I'm naked, I'm numb
by Tahlia Mckinnon
Summary: 'You hold her bleeding wrists the way he did. But not as tight. Because she wants to die. And someday, you know you have to let her.'
1. Introduction

**I do not own Skins, or 'Until We Bleed' by Kleerup and Lykke Li. **

_I'm naked; I'm numb._  
>She moans.<br>In pleasure. In pain.  
>You don't know which.<br>And you don't care anymore.  
>It makes a change. She's usually silenced.<br>Breathless.  
>Eyes open, but not seeing.<br>Your hands slide over her ivory skin, her marble heart; cold as stone.  
>Your flesh in tune with hers. Nails dig into backs. Hips collide and lips bite.<br>Bones tremble. Skin prickles.  
>It's frantic. It's desperate. It's loveless. It's dark.<br>It's over.  
>And she hides again.<p>

_I'm stupid; I'm staying.__  
><em>She doesn't love you. Never did.  
>Practically loathes you.<br>Looks at you and remembers.  
>What she had. What she lost. How she faded.<br>You watched it all happen. You helped her through.  
>And now she fucks you in atonement – for all she's done. For all you do.<br>You're infatuated. Obsessed. Consumed.  
>But she'll never love you back. You know that.<br>Yet you keep on hoping.

_And if Cupid's got a gun then he's shooting._

_Lights black; Heads bang.__  
><em>"I can't do this anymore."  
>She laughs without feeling.<br>You threat without conviction.  
>"I mean it, Effy."<br>She spits at you. She kicks at you.  
>She stares you out with ghostly eyes.<br>Like a shark. Like a demon.  
>She throws plates. She throws insults.<br>She scratches herself. She pulls out her hair.  
>She wants you to watch.<br>She wants you.  
>She'll never love you, but she needs you.<br>Looks at you and remembers.  
>Can't let herself forget.<p>

_You're my drug; We live it.__  
><em>You always come back. Back for more.  
>You're addicted. To the pity and the sorrow.<br>You know you deserve it.  
>You're atoning too.<br>Could've saved him. Could've saved her.  
>Tried. Failed.<br>Could've let them be together. Be happy.  
>From the beginning.<br>But got jealous. Threatened. Insecure.  
>Got to have the upper hand.<br>And now your hands are dirty.  
>This is your life. In this shed she won't leave.<br>Used to be yours. Used to be his.  
>But she takes everything in the end.<br>And you let her.

_You're drunk; You need it.__  
><em>She passes the bottle.  
>You drink it dry. Drain it in a sip.<br>Your lips crack, your lungs collapse.  
>And you don't care anymore.<br>Months pass, days blur.  
>You don't know the date or the time.<br>A faceless day. A faceless man.  
>"You waster."<br>"You wanker, James."  
>"You're nothing."<br>"You're no one."  
>"You're the scum we always knew you'd be."<br>Don't listen to the voices, she says.  
>Puts her hand to your face.<br>Slaps it hard.  
>Don't you fucking listen.<br>She hears them too.

_Real love; I'll give it._  
>He never did. But she doesn't see.<br>Doesn't believe.  
>He's eternally perfect.<br>To her. To everyone.  
>And you're the sick cunt shagging a dead man's bird.<br>You love her. You loved him more.  
>More than he did. More than she does.<br>You're losing it all, and losing yourself.  
>But nobody cares.<br>Nobody cares that you're the only one who cares, Cook.  
>So you don't care anymore.<p>

_So we're bound to linger on; We drink the fatal drop._  
>The past lasts forever.<br>She won't let you forget it.  
>You take her poison. Take her venom.<br>It's all you can feel.  
>You have to feel something.<br>We are Cook and Effy.  
>Your words, not hers.<br>Oh, what you'd give to leave it all behind.  
>But you always come back. Back for more.<p>

_Then love until we bleed; Then fall apart in parts.__  
><em>She's cutting again.  
>She needs the agony.<br>It's all she can feel and she has to feel something.  
>She's brave.<br>You were brave once. She loved you once.  
>You made her feel safe.<br>Now you make her sad.  
>Hold on, she says.<br>Hold on to me.  
>And you hold her bleeding wrists the way he did.<br>But not as tight.  
>Because she wants to die.<br>And someday, you know you have to let her.

_You wasted your times; On my heart_.  
>Both hers and his.<br>Nothing good stays with you, Cook.  
>Your words.<br>They put themselves before you.  
>Loved each other more.<br>You always come last.  
>The past lasts forever.<br>She'll remember him more.  
>Looks at you and that's all she sees.<br>Freddie, Freddie, Freddie.  
>She calls you by his name now.<br>Sometimes.  
>You've got to get out, Cook.<br>But you can't.  
>You always come back. Back for more.<br>_You've burned. _

_And if bridges gotta fall then you'll fall too._

_Doors slam; Lights black._  
>She pleads. She bleeds.<br>You cry and she tastes your tears.  
>She puts her fingers in your eyes.<br>She gouges skin from your jaw.  
>And you let her.<br>Then you run.  
>You don't turn back.<br>You can't. You must. You won't. You don't.  
>You just don't care anymore.<br>That's what you say.

_You're gone; Come back_.  
>You don't answer her.<br>You feel her calling and you shut it out.  
>She needs the agony.<br>It's all she can feel and she has to feel something.  
>For you, for once.<br>Cook, Cook, Cook.  
>That's what she'll say.<br>She'll bleed for you.  
>She needs you.<br>She'll look at you and see.  
>She won't remember.<p>

_Stay gone; Stay clean_.  
>"You're better off, James."<br>"Crazy bitch."  
>"You let her use you."<br>"You're just a replacement."  
>"You're just a disappointment."<br>Don't listen to the fucking voices, Cook.  
>Don't listen.<br>But they're all you can hear.  
><em><br>I need you to need me._

_Now we're bound to linger on._  
>For how long.<br>Eternity.  
>The past lasts forever.<p>

_We drink the fatal drop.__  
><em>It will always be you and me.  
>Your words, not hers.<p>

_Then love until we bleed_.  
>You've got to go back, Cook.<p>

_Then fall apart in parts.__  
><em>**You always do.**


	2. Only If For A Night

**I do not own Skins, or 'Only If For A Night' by Florence and The Machine.**

_And I had a dream; About my old school._  
>Slip in and out of drunken consciousness, beneath a mound of Freddie's old tshirts and bed sheets. Ones he loved her in. That was all she ever did. That was Effy's purpose now. That's all she wanted. And Cook was growing sick and tired of watching it all unravel before him. He gave everything he had to Effy, but she was, as ever, selfish with her emotions. She wallowed. She wept. And there was nothing left for Cook. He wanted Naomi and her cynicism. And Emily. And Katie and Panda and Thomas. And twister. Cook wanted, with all his frail being, to go back to that night. That simple, yet complicated game of twister. Pandora with her sore eyes and sore heart. Upset by Effy's antics. Everybody was upset by Effy's antics. He wanted JJ. Oh god, he wanted JJ. To put him in headlock, cry into his fuzzy mop of hair. But everybody had left. Everybody had left Cook to deal with her. They thought he could handle it. Or maybe they thought she was his mess. His responsibility. Cook liked it better when he didn't have any. He shuts his eyes.<p>

_And she was there all pink and gold and glittering._  
>Naomi. She stares him up and down. His greasy chin and sweaty chest. You're a state, she scoffs. All working out for you now, is it? You wanted her after all. He shakes his head. I didn't want it this way. What did you expect?, she shrugs. She never wanted you, Cook. She chose, and she chose Freddie. And you're a poor replacement. Never one to mince your words, he smiles. It's the first smile he's cracked since he found his body. But don't think about that, Cook. Just be. Just dream.<p>

_I threw my arms around her legs. Came to weeping. Came to weeping_.  
>I miss you, Cook shivers. Come back to me. Naomi shuffles out of his grip. This is the life you made for yourself, she bites. I hope she's worth the dedication. I can't do this on my own, he pleads. Look at yourself, she barks. Just look at yourself, Cook. She's destroying you. She'll kill you too, in the end. She has already, he croaks – but she doesn't hear. She doesn't hear.<p>

_I heard your voice as clear as day; And you told me I should concentrate._

Concentrate, Cook. Freddie?, he screams. Freddie, Freddie, Freddie. And Cook's running. Running after the voice. He can smell him, can sense him. He's running through the streets, through the water, through the fields. Then he's holding his body. His mangled frame. His bloodied skull. His broken face. Concentrate, Freddie rasps. The blood bubbles from his mouth. Look after her, Cook. You have to look after her. She's all we've got. Christ, she's all you've got. Cook cries, but there's no sound. He looks into Freddie's blinded eyes. Look after her, Cook. Concentrate.

_It was all so strange; And so surreal; That a ghost should be so practical.  
><em>

_Only if for a night_.  
>To see him. To be with him. To love him and let him love Effy. If not for Cook, for her. To see her smile. To hear her laugh. To let her be comforted and ease the pain. Because only he can heal her, and Cook knows that. Cook knows he's nothing, but everything. Cook opens his eyes, blood pounding in his ears.<p>

_And the only solution was to stand and fight.  
><em>Effy stares at him, the seas of her eyes icy and unwelcoming. Cook still drowns in them; he just can't help it. You're going to get better eventually, he nods at her. I'm going to get you through this. That's what he wants, Eff. You know he wouldn't want to see you this way. You're right, she snarls. He wouldn't ever want to see me with you. He'd die twice. Cook's sick of the dramatics. He needs to deal with his own grief, but she won't let him. She won't let him forget. _  
><em>  
><em><span>And my body was bruised and I was set alight.<span>_  
>We need some time apart, Cook sighs. He stands and she watches him closely, panic invading her face. I think you need to be alone, Eff. To figure yourself out. She looks to the floor. She picks up her arm. She puts her wrist to her mouth. She bites with her sharpest teeth. Stop it, Cook trembles. He pulls it from her jaw and holds her. He rocks her as she shrieks.<p>

_But you came over me like some holy rite._  
>And he can't. If not for her, for Freddie. Cook has to protect her. He's her shelter. Freddie, she cries into his chest. And Cook doesn't mind. He knows it's what she needs. This shed, it's her life. And Cook? He's her life too. She needs him to remember.<p>

_And although I was burning; You're the only light; Only if for a night_.

_The grass was so green against my new clothes; And I did cartwheels in your honour; dancing on tiptoes._  
>Cook remembers how they watched her. With disbelief. Some with shame. All misunderstanding. But Cook knew why. He knew this was her way. She rolled in the grass they had rolled in. She ran around the trees he had chased her. And she laughed. She threw back her head, and she danced. Looking, but not seeing. And then she fell.<p>

_My own secret ceremonials before the service began; In the graveyard; Doing handstands._  
>Cook carried her to the funeral. And when she came round, and saw where she was, she tried to run from the church. But Cook held her. He held her so tight that she couldn't scream. She thrashed around and everybody stared; Karen glared. But Cook didn't care. He knew this was her way, and would always be. Eventually she settled, and they sat, her head buried into his shoulder the whole time. She murmured and she rocked. She trembled and she moaned. And Cook held onto her so tightly. To keep her together. To keep them as one.<br>_  
>And although I was burning; You're the only light.<br>**Only if for a night.**_


End file.
